Congenital Heart Defect Month

I woke up this morning with one of those nagging worries that I could not put my finger on. My heart and mind was racing and I just could not figure out why when everyone else is sleeping I woke up in the we hours unsure of what my body was going through. I quietly got up, made a coffee and sat in my big comfy chair and reflected on the way I was feeling. I decided to look a yesterdays pictures that I took, to pivot and change the way I was feeling and then it struck me even harder. Monday morning is Andrew’s heart check up at the London Health Science Centre.
Seeing this picture of Andrew holding the miniature heart on a stick over his own heart for Congenital Heart Defect month, I began to cry. I am a strong momma bear, but in this moment the worries came flooding in along with all of the what if’s? What if this is the year his Doctor says,” his heart is functioning less than his already 64%”. What if he say’s, “Andrew’s heart is larger than last year? What if this is the year that we will be facing “again”. The “again” that we have been suppressing in that area of our minds that nobody ever wants to have surface, open Heart surgery again.
In that moment, which seemed to last for a long time, I looked up towards the ceiling, knowing I was seeing past the drywalled ceiling, past the shingles and insulation, past the coldness of the winter that has blanketed our home and into heaven where my grandmother would be looking down at me, wagging her crooked finger and saying lovingly to me “Karrie (she always called me Karrie) sometimes a good cry is all we need to keep us stronger”. Thank you for being with me this morning Grandma and for reminding me that I am blessed to have a son like Andrew who will keep me strong and focussed even if in the we hours of the morning I sit quietly having a good cry. I know things will be Ok and he will have a good check up. I just hate the what if’s.

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